truth.

This is going to sound morbid, but hear me out. Have you ever thought about what the world would be like if you died? How your friends and family would react and how it would affect their life? I feel like that's a sick and twisted thing that everyone thinks about (if you hadn't before, you're thinking about it now). Around the age of middle school, I thought about that scenario a lot (again, I am not suicidal, these are not warning signs. I was a very happy child)-- sometimes I would think about it too much and it would make me weep, which is really weird and twisted to be crying over your own imaginary death... but anyway, I'm getting off topic.

Anyway, these past couple of days, saying goodbye to people and talking about leaving is kinda -- in a semisick way -- like when I imagined how people would react if I died. It sucks to leave and change is a terrifying thing, don't get me wrong. But it does make me feel good in a backhanded way that people are really going to miss me. Because I'm going to miss them so, so much.

Being honest is difficult. One of the more difficult things I've had to do thus far. But you know all those cliches about truth? "Honesty is the best policy." "The truth will set you free." They are kind of like, absolutely accurate. Though I am sad about moving on with my life and leaving Tech, I feel lighter, freer, and just way more awesome than I have in a long time. Lying doesn't really solve anything. Its something I'm really going to work on over the coming months. Because pretending you're Miss Sunshine when you're not feeling that way doesn't really help anyone. I'm not saying I'm going to go around throwing mud at people and flicking everyone off. But I don't think saying "eh" when someone asks me how I am is really going to blow up the world. Which is saying something, because if you had asked me 2 months ago when I wasn't sleeping through the night and living life in constant denial, how I was, I would have grinned, touched your arm, and said "never better."

Lies.

Why do we tell them? To cover our own ass, to fit in, to avoid hurting someone's feelings, to appear as if we have it all together. In general, I justify lying as a general way to not burden anyone else with my problems. You know what? That's bullshit, honestly. Because your friends and family love you despite your bullshit, and they have plenty of their own that you put up with gladly. I love my friends because of their problems, not despite them. So I have to get real. Face things I don't want to.

And breathe.

(It's easier now.)

be careful what you wish for...

okay, daughtry's kind of lame...but these lyrics are so accurate they make me sob.

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.


Change is coming, folks. God is good. I will be soon, too. I have so much hope, its spilling from me, and I feel like I can finally breathe. I feel like everything I have blogged about this semester and every event that has taken place has completely guided me to this decision. It doesn't make me any less terrified. But it gives me peace. I have God's grace (and my parent's). And grace and peace is an excellent way to start.

fear

Fear.

Its universal, language-less, inevitable, obvious, illogical, and inexplicably complex. And its something that's been plaguing humans from the time that effing Eve plucked that juicy apple of evil from the forbidden tree. Okay, so its not really fair to put that all on Eve, but still. A little self restraint would have been great, Eve. Thanks.

I can't remember ever being as scared as I was last Friday night.

This past week, I decided I had a difficult week, I was a little sick of everything here in Atlanta, and I just wanted to get away from it all: away from homework, away from sorority crap, away from tired routines. As a solution, I decided to drive my sad, injured little Honda to Montgomery, Alabama to visit my favorite aunt and uncle, and just have some general R & R. The weather did not want this for me. I (stupidly) failed to check the weather forecasts before I left around 7:30 after initiation was over, and thus was plunged in between two storms, one in Atlanta and one originating in eastern Alabama. I was literally trapped on the road, with no where to turn but to plunge onward into the storm.

Now, to paint the picture of my emotions clearly, you should know that I am that kid that goes around gathering food, pets, blankets, flashlights, radios, extra batteries, and scoffing parents at the first sound of a siren. We spent many a night stuffed in my closet until the sirens stopped-- me, my father (who's from Kansas and brags about having stood beneath funnel clouds before), my mother, my dog, and two cats. Usually those nights consisted of me going over every word the weather man said in a far more worried tone, my dad staying all of two minutes before he would excuse himself, assuring me he'd be back at the first sign of trouble (the SIREN is the first sign of trouble, DA-AD!), and my mom trying to separate the feuding cats that I would not allow to leave (what, I'm going to let them get blown away like Dorothy's house?). So, very, very healthy fear of storms. One I really haven't shaken.

Back to Friday. First came the rain, steady in its approach. Until I could literally not see anything in front or behind me. I was slowed to 5 mph on the highway, with my emergency lights blinking, unsure whether to stop or continue because I COULD NOT see what anyone in front or behind of me was doing. I kept going at 5 mph, praying I wouldn't hit anyone or get hit. I couldn't pull off the side of the road because I was in the stretch of construction on 85 that last for 29 MILES with those obnoxious concrete blockages that make me feel nervous and claustrophobic at the same time. Trapped. I have never felt more desperate or helpless. I had lost all radio signal and cell signal at this point. It stretched on for what seemed like hours, me screaming "oh my god" and "fuck" intermittently for about 10 minutes.

Then dead calm. Absolutely no rain. I breathed for what felt like the first time. I tuned the radio back in, playing my dad's words, parts from the movie "Twister," and every cliche ever ("calm before the storm", "eye of the storm") in one jumbled heap in my mind. It last 30 creepy minutes-- light rain, pale orangey yellow sky.

Then came the lightning. Its never bothered me before, lightning. That was until I saw a billboard get struck, and set a blaze, and also before it hit the ground and I could almost feel my tires jump off of the pavement from the force of it cracking the ground. Don't like it much more. That lasted a while too, the lightning, without rain, lighting the sky as if it were noon on a clear day. Every time I passed a mile marker with my location, not a second later my radio would declare that particular county in immediate danger. Did I mention that I hadn't passed any exits in, oh, 20 miles?

But the worst was the wind. That came right after the lightning, right after Auburn. Circular wind, blowing me to the side, hard enough that I had my hand turning the wheel almost 30 degrees to keep my car going straight. Literally saw formations of funnel clouds. Never been so scared. I just kept driving and praying aloud because I didn't know what else to do. I finally got to Mary Beth's, after a 5 1/2 road trip from hell that was supposed to be 2 1/2.

The worst part of the trip was the uncertainty and the fact that I was completely alone. Fear is a horrible thing, but it festers and feeds off of darkness and a lonely imagination. Dorothy Thompson once said, "Fear grows in darkness...Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

That in itself makes me nervous, because I am so full of fear, I am positively brimming with it. About everything. What I'm going to do with my life. Where I'm going to get my next bit of money. If I will ever get married. When my parents will die. How I'll deal with it. What tomorrow will hold. I know you can't let yourself get bogged down in those questions, but sometimes its just really difficult not to feel as if you a shouldering more than your own weight of fearful questions.

The unknown. Its what most people fear the most. People with the strongest faiths continue to try "live longer" schemes just because they have that hint of doubt-- that small place in the back of their mind that is reserved for the question "What if I'm wrong..?"

Why do we fear the inevitable? 0%. That's the survival rate around here on earth. Not such good odds-- or really, really great ones, depending on your wager. Because, folks, we are absolutely, positively gonna kick the bucket. I fear the inevitable in every aspect of my life (the best definition and tangibility of procrastination I have found), and its so ridiculous. Because I make it WAY worse in my own head than it actually is when it comes into fruition.

Fear comes in so many different forms- eerie quiet, harsh winds, pouring rain, or quick, violent flashes. The form isn't what matters. Its what you do with it, actively. The actions and the confidence you find in yourself (and Christ) is what overcomes the "what ifs."

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." -Henry James