truth.

This is going to sound morbid, but hear me out. Have you ever thought about what the world would be like if you died? How your friends and family would react and how it would affect their life? I feel like that's a sick and twisted thing that everyone thinks about (if you hadn't before, you're thinking about it now). Around the age of middle school, I thought about that scenario a lot (again, I am not suicidal, these are not warning signs. I was a very happy child)-- sometimes I would think about it too much and it would make me weep, which is really weird and twisted to be crying over your own imaginary death... but anyway, I'm getting off topic.

Anyway, these past couple of days, saying goodbye to people and talking about leaving is kinda -- in a semisick way -- like when I imagined how people would react if I died. It sucks to leave and change is a terrifying thing, don't get me wrong. But it does make me feel good in a backhanded way that people are really going to miss me. Because I'm going to miss them so, so much.

Being honest is difficult. One of the more difficult things I've had to do thus far. But you know all those cliches about truth? "Honesty is the best policy." "The truth will set you free." They are kind of like, absolutely accurate. Though I am sad about moving on with my life and leaving Tech, I feel lighter, freer, and just way more awesome than I have in a long time. Lying doesn't really solve anything. Its something I'm really going to work on over the coming months. Because pretending you're Miss Sunshine when you're not feeling that way doesn't really help anyone. I'm not saying I'm going to go around throwing mud at people and flicking everyone off. But I don't think saying "eh" when someone asks me how I am is really going to blow up the world. Which is saying something, because if you had asked me 2 months ago when I wasn't sleeping through the night and living life in constant denial, how I was, I would have grinned, touched your arm, and said "never better."

Lies.

Why do we tell them? To cover our own ass, to fit in, to avoid hurting someone's feelings, to appear as if we have it all together. In general, I justify lying as a general way to not burden anyone else with my problems. You know what? That's bullshit, honestly. Because your friends and family love you despite your bullshit, and they have plenty of their own that you put up with gladly. I love my friends because of their problems, not despite them. So I have to get real. Face things I don't want to.

And breathe.

(It's easier now.)