alcohol

My birthday's in a couple weeks, and celebrating it early with my mom this weekend got me to thinking about the fact that I will VERY shortly be 21 and "legal." What a bizarre, bizarre feeling. Something I've gone my whole life avoiding like the plague will now be socially acceptable for me to partake in-- I will be offered it at relatives houses from now on, and attempt to not feel awkward and unauthentic when I refuse, assuring my aunts and uncles that, truly, I don't drink much or like the taste. Hopefully I can do this convincingly and avoid coming off like the stunned teenager that overcompensates to convince you she's not into it, "OH! OH NO! I don't drink--why would you ever think that?? [insert nervous laughter].

If I can be honest-- and I feel I can, in the anonymous (or not so anonymous) blogesphere-- I am scared shitless. I don't know how I will react-- if I will be a huge ass, mean, annoying, loud, sleepy, grumpy. It makes me nervous to not feel incontrol or on top of my thoughts and secrets. But most of all, I really don't want to like it. That's what scares me the most. I don't want to like the warming sensation in my stomache or the relaxedness of my muscles. I don't want to turn into my aunt. Or my uncle. Or my grandma. Or my grandpa. Or my mom. I don't want to struggle, destroy my life and others around me, live in regret, and finally turn my life around when I'm halfway through it because of an addiction to a substance that is so ingrained in my family history and blood its terrifying.

I have a unique quality that my mom, aunt, uncle, and grandparents never had when they were growing up though: perspective. I've seen alcohol destroy people-- and have seen the growth and healing process. And I've seen good come out-- I've seen hope. Something my mother never saw. I saw my mom, my aunt, my uncle, and my grandparents conquer and cope with a disease that 85% of people who have it let consume them.

I should not drink. That would make things far easier. Knowing I have a history, and a great chance of having the disease myself, I shouldn't drink, and just live my life without. The problem with my personality is I'm a trier. I test waters. I can't live my life knowing if I didn't do something because I wasn't supposed to or if I was just too scared.

I'm curious. That's what it all comes down to. I don't see what everyone else sees in alcohol. Probably because I hate it so much, because its ruined so many of my happy memories with its tarnish, and hurtful images. I've never seen the good side, and I so desparately want to. I want to be part of that club that can just crack open a beer to "relax." But I never will. I will forever crack open that beer, and to the very last drop wonder if I like it too much. If I have a problem. If its ruining my life.

I wouldn't wish it any differently. I think a healthy fear is good. I'm not sure I have a healthy fear, but going through what my mom did only brought us closer and changed her as a person for the better. So I definitely wouldn't change it. It just puts a bit of pressure on that 21st birthday and every decision I make in relation to alcohol later on.

Welcome to the grown up world, Liz Schulzke. Here, have an iPhone as a reassurance prize.