sleep

simply put, i haven't been sleeping.

though its not in the least a new occurance in the life of Liz Schulzke, it does worry me. because i can see the different ways its affecting me. and not only that, but i'm not quuuuuite sure what brought it on. insomnia, at its finest, usually strikes me during the summer or the holidays, when i have nothing to work for and am kinding avoiding the world. you know? whenever i get extremely lazy, i can never sleep, because i haven't done anything to make myself tired. eek. so not having had an obvious trigger, i am starting to develop a bit of anxiety towards the issue. plus, i'm getting kind of sick of living my life in a blurred version of reality.

sleep and i have had a very dangerous relationship all of my life-- i can trace it back to the crib. my parents would have parties with tons of their friends, and when mom would drop me off in my room (of course hours earlier than i would have liked), i would pout, refusing to let her leave, clutching her finger in my fist until i fell asleep, hating not being the center of attention and life of the party. its like that even to this day-- i hate missing things, so i put off everything that will make me miss out-- and usually thats sleep. my days in school did not improve the distaste for slumber-- in preschool and kindergarten, i was constantly moved during nap time, frequently pulling others into the punishment i got for talking while i was supposed to be resting. in middle school, i stayed up late, taking advantage of my "own line" telephone, chatting with friends about crushes and makeup. high school brought an entirely different focus: the idea of procrastination and doing school work-- that i should have started hours earlier-- into the night. anyone whos set foot on a college campus knows that the idea of sleep doesn't exactly ooze from the population. So as you can see, my history doesn't do me any favors.

I find, however, when you don't sleep through the night (or even attempt too...), you get way more done than the average human. which gets me to wondering why we're made that way-- that we are FORCED to waste a third of our day lying there, not doing anything but closing our eyes. i know the science behind it-- your brain needs those hours to go over everything it learned that day, almost like a hard-drive backing up its files (so that's why its been harder to processing things lately...;)). so i get that, but WHY did God make us this way? i won't get all religious (i have an entire other blog for that specific purpose, so no worries), but when i was thinking about it earlier in the week, i asked some of my sorority sisters on their opinions. i got lots of answers-- sabbath, solitude, reverence. they all make sense in their own way--but the answer my heart say "yes that's it!" to is that its for humility. knowing we have limits that we simply can't avoid-- air, water, the occasional meal, and sleep all limit our ability to function at a normal level (some maybe a little more quickly...), proving to us how truly earthly we are. how mundane, limited, and dependent we are on the world around us.

thinking about all these things make me really look forward to heaven-- when i get to go there. (i promise i'm not looking to kill myself, that wasn't a warning sign or anything, i promise). because in heaven, i won't be limited by these earthly ties, i won't get moved to the corner of the room so that i don't disturb the others with my chatter. i can talk to as many people as i want forever and ever. sweet.

jeez, the thought of that makes me a little sleepy.

great.