passion

Man, I have been a blogging-fool this week. I guess that just means I have a lot floating around in my head this week. Its just one of those weeks.

Tonight's topic is a little less heavy then previous ones (well, i don't know if you call bad language a 'heavy' subjuct, but whatever, you know what I mean). Anyway, last night Gwen and I were talking about how we're not really sure what our passions are. A little scary, in my opinion to not know what you're passionate about, but I think that's just what stage we are at in our lives. For me, its hard to define the difference between something I'm passionate about and something that entertains me. I love movies. But am I passionate about them, or am I entertained by them? I mean, during the election there were certain topics I was "passionate" about-- pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-alternative fuels. But I don't think that those are things I am truly passionate about in day-to-day life. Does that make sense?

Dictionary.com defines "passion" as 'any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.' Not the ultimate source on the true meaning of the word, I know, but definitely a jumping off point.

What do I hate? Celine Dion. Chocolate-mint flavored things. Birds. Body Odor. Laundry. What do I love? Fall. Pumpkins. My friends. Jesus. Diet Coke.

But am I PASSIONATE about those things? I don't know. In Christianity, we talk about passion a lot. But I just can't even grasp the passion of love it would take to die for someone else. Would I die for Jesus? I would like to think so, but I'm not really sure. If I could choose to have only one thing in my life, would I choose Jesus? If I had to abandon my entire family and friends to declare myself a follower or Christ, would I? I've never had to make those decisions, and frankly the thoughts of my answers terrify me. I guess that's what makes me all the more thankful for His grace, because I am so, so, so incredibly undeserving. I am so unworthy of being saved, and yet I am free from persecution. Its really unfair. Why me? Why can't kids in Africa or Israel or Iran or China have that same freedom? Why can I say I'm a Christian and be accepted socially, but people DIE for it abroad? I'm getting off topic, and quite heavy. Sorry, I'm a liar too, one of my biggest recurring sins.

I would love to be described as a passionate person-- I want to be. There are so many things in this life to be passionate about, because we're only here so long, ya know? I guess with passion comes a certain amount of boldness and risk. Thats what it comes down to-- when you're passionate about something there is a risk there-- someone is always not going to like that you're passionate about that, or is always going to disagree with you. I like to get along with everyone and have every one like me. When you're passionate about something, there is a vulnerability there that I don't enjoy. Its easier to live in a neutral world-- you don't piss anyone off. But I'm tired of it. I can't live in a khaki world anymore. I want my life painted bold crimson and my words colored crisp chartreuse. I want to see and talk with the world.

Now how do I go about doing that?

Jeez, that wasn't light. I'm sorry.