foul language

So, all jokes aside, I try to live my life as a humble servant of Christ. Everything I do is ultimately intended to serve Him (though I fail daily, but hey thats humanity for ya), but there are a few things that I do that I know don't serve Him at all, I know this, and still continue the behavior. (At this point, my mom would chime in with "thats called sin, honey!" Thanks, mom in my head). Because some things I know I should be convicted about, but it is so hard.

Cursing is one of these things.

Well, the main one, really.

I love to cuss.

I'm not a violent person, I hold most of my anger inside, or let it roll from my chest-- in general, things don't bother me that much. But some times, it feels SO GOOD to drop a nice f-bomb. I'm talking, really-best-day-of-my-life-just-got-a-free-pony-nice. Its even really, really bad-boy sexy to me to hear a guy say it-- not every other word, because then it just loses its impact, but to hear a guy who doesn't normally cuss let one go in the midst of heightened anger. Man. It does it for me. Is that really screwed up and twisted? I'm pretty sure it is. But something about the accepted-yet-taboo nature of bad words just makes me feel gooey inside. Gosh, that's horrible.

I remember a specific time when I was younger, maybe 7 or so (that's when I had my most brilliant thoughts, age 7) my mom and I were in the car, running an errand. The radio was playing, the rock station (some kids listened to wee sing when they were growing up. Me? I knew all the words to "Stairway to Heaven" and "Jumping Jack Flash"). Anyway, the djs were talking about something and one of them used a bad word-- shit, I think, but I'm not sure. It could have been a tame "damn," I'm not positive. I just know that whatever word they used, I had recently learned was filthy and never to be used my a kid like me. So, of course I told my mom this. "That word is BAD." She told me that people used bad words when they couldn't come up with better words to fill the space with. That bad words were for ignorant, uncreative people that lacked imagination and color in their speech. It was then, sitting on the tan, fake leather of my mom's gold Honda Accord that I vowed to her that I would never cuss when I grew up.

I remember the first time I broke that vow. I was in sixth grade, I think (that's when I had the most scandals, sixth grade). My friend Kelly had started using the word "crap" and I thought it made her sound grown-up and cool. Crap wasn't reeeaallly a bad word, I reasoned. And Kelly didn't seem ignorant or uncreative (we played newly invented games, like sardines, all the time at her house!). I decided it was okay, even though my mom didn't let me say it at home. I used it at school, and relished the power it seemed to give my speech. I loved the way my "enemy" Rachel Schultz flinched when I told her she was a crappy friend. I felt totally grown-up.

I often wonder if 7-year old Liz Schulzke would look at me now and be disappointed. I hope not. I don't cuss when I lack imagination or intelligence. I cuss when it is the appropriate word and I won't be offending the company I'm in. 12-year old sixth grader Liz Schulzke probably wouldn't think I was cool and mature when I cuss, because I don't do it in cool situations or around cool, high profile people. I let a big "DAMN IT!" fly when I stumble out of bed in the morning and stub my toe against my dresser. I let an "ass" slip from my lips when dishing to my best friends about a particular professor or a jerky lab partner.

Yet, when George Clooney says "You're fucked!" at the end of "Michael Clayton" I just about lose my mind.

He is soooooo cool (and totally mature).

Guess I really haven't come that far.